I finally had the chance to complete Matriarch by Tina Knowles last night. I have so many thoughts about this book. With that said, I will give my overall review on the book, similar to how I would leave a review on Amazon. Then I will share my thoughts about specific things she talked about in the book. By the time you finish reading this blog post, I hope you feel empowered to not repeat some of the experiences that Tina had or that you break away from them if you are currently in a cycle of them, and start your healing process.
I’m a certified life coach… of course, I’m going to give my two cents (LOL).
FYI: She still didn’t tell us why Solange was trying to beat up Jay Z in that elevator. I just think she could have just let us in given that she is naming names and telling other people’s business. As she spilled people’s beans, I kept thinking, “Did they tell her she can put this in her book?” (LOL) Just saying. We still would like to know. I know she knows. But anyway…
Matriarch by Tina Knowles Book Review
I think the Matriarch is a good read. Tina Knowles did a good job at taking us into her childhood helping us to better understand some of her choices and allowances that we would come to learn about as we read.
She started the book off informing us about the Matriarch history of her family, her experiences as a child, and who and how her mother was as she grew up. Though I think the Matriarch is a good read, I didn’t necessarily like how she jumped around in her storytelling. To me, there were a lot of blunt stops of one experience and a start of a different experience without any transitions.
That caused confusion sometimes as I read because I hadn’t realized she was talking about something else until about 2-3 paragraphs in. Also, I feel that some of the details of her life were mismatched to the chapters. I can admit that that could just be a me thing because when I think of chapters, I think they should have related/similar content or be of the same timeline, and in the case where the chapters themselves stretch in the timeline closely (like many of hers do), the related experience should be prioritized for each chapter.
It just feels more cohesive to me, so that’s my preference… so again, it could just be a me thing. To be clear, it wasn’t a hard read, and the confusion only happened a few times here and there. Even with the few moments of confusion, she recovered pretty quickly, so I wasn’t reading for too long before realizing the experience had shifted. Even with those small annoyances, I recommend grabbing the Matriarch. I really enjoyed reading it and I think you will, too.
Advanced Matriarch by Tina Knowles Book Review
Okay, so this is where you may get a bit upset with me because I’m really going to tell you what I think about some of the things that are in the Matriarch, and you may not like it. I know Tina is Beyonce’s mother, but who someone is ain’t never stop me from calling out problematic bullsh*t and encouraging others to avoid it at all costs.
As I said in my opening, I hope that you find empowerment here. I hope that even if these are some of your experiences, you choose not to get offended. My only goal here is to identify, call it what it is, and attempt to lead you away from it. And yes, I know that maybe my delivery and honesty about how I feel about these things may not be to your liking, but grow up and don’t miss the message. Wisdom doesn’t care who tells it or who doesn’t like how it’s told. It’s still wisdom that can help you have better life experiences and a better quality of life.
Slavery and Segregation
One thing I appreciated about the Matriarch is that Tina gave us a brief history of her experience as a child growing up while Segregation was still alive and well. She shared with us how her great-great-grandma and her great-grandma were slaves.
Looking at the family tree that she provided at the beginning of the book and reading the breakdown of it really helped me wrap my head around just how long it’s been since slavery and segregation. Yes, I’ve heard it before. I’ve read it before. But it really didn’t sink in until I paired it with the family tree.
I’m around Beyonce’s age, and we are still so close to those times. Relatively, slavery and segregation just ended. That’s so wild to me. It’s also baffling to me even more when I see white people play dumb and act like black people bring up slavery and racism still affecting us today, as if it’s not permeating throughout systems, hell… in America, now.
I always felt like white people who deny it and try to gaslight black people were and are purposely being obtuse about it. I’m definitely more certain of it now.
Tina’s Mom Was Horrible A Lil Bit
One of the things that really pissed me off while reading this book was Tina’s mom. I completely understand that she most likely always had good intentions for her children. I understand that she probably aimed to do what she thought was best for them.
However, I think she didn’t completely think her choices through. I don’t think she truly thought about their well-being and how her choices would affect her children negatively.
It happens! Even I have made choices that I thought were the best for my children in an attempt to protect them, that ultimately had a negative effect on one of my children… but that was about the lack of money. In no way am I stoning her for making choices that had worse effects on her children than the effects my choices have caused mine.
However, I think we need to start collectively talking about having our children’s best interests at heart while considering the whole picture and not just what we think is best for them based on what we want for them.
Tina Knowles shared with us that she attended Holy Rosary, a catholic school, where her teacher was a Black nun. You would have thought that the Nun was white with the way she treated Tina. This nun beat Tina and another lil boy on the hand. Because the school was across the street from her house, she was able to run home and show her mom what happened. Her mom did not support her and did not confront the teacher about it. She simply took Tina back to school. Seemingly, that was the last time she hit Tina, but she would continue to target Tina for punishment. Tina would keep running home to tell her mom, and her mom would still do nothing but return her to school. 
In one instance, the nun tricked Tina into thinking she was going to be the next person to crown the Blessed Virgin Mary. She had Tina have her mom make a new white dress for the occasion. Once the dress was complete and the day for the crowning had arrived, Tina, with anticipation and excitement, took the dress to the nun and showed her the dress.
The nun said good and called for another girl. Another nun held the dress up and said that Linda could fit the dress and that she would be the one wearing it to crown the Blessed Virgin Mary. When Tina didn’t want the girl to wear the dress she thought was for her to do the honors of crowning, her teacher shamed and guilt-tripped her.
Again, Tina ran home and told her mom what happened, and her mom basically did the same thing. Tina resolved to giving that lil girl the dress because she was made to feel like she was selfish not to.
Eventually, Tina stopped going to her mom because her trust that her mom would protect her and prioritize her vanished. She continued to be targeted by this nun. After Tina had had enough, she fought for herself and told her mom she was never going back to that school, and her mom allowed her to be enrolled in a different school.
Her parents had been serving the church to be able to have the children in the family go there for free because they thought the education was better. This helped Tina understand why the teacher said that she didn’t belong there and why her mom wasn’t saying anything about how they were treating her children and the things they were saying to them.
As I said earlier, I understand making choices for your children that you believe are better for them. However, this really worked my nerves. Tina’s parents were providing a service for a service, so I will never be able to wrap my head around letting my children be abused or mistreated because I’m trading work for them to be there. It’s not like they were doing the parents a favor. They bartered, so Tina’s mom not standing up for her because of that is insane to me.
The kicker is, she eventually let the children in the family go to a different school, so that could have been done earlier because their staying at that school couldn’t have been that important. It should never have been more important than Tina’s mental health.
I’m a mother who has spent my entire life protecting my children from birth. I was very intentional about making sure that the choices I made based on what I thought was best for them didn’t come with loads of trauma or have a negative impact on their mental health. I wouldn’t be able to sit around letting people mistreat and target my children for the sake of “education” or anything else, for that matter.
Especially if I’ve bartered for it. I would have rebelled against that whole lil system real quick the moment my daughter ran home and told me one of those teachers hit her. That would have been the first and the last time they treated my daughter poorly. If I had had to move her to a different school, I’d rather that than to subject her to something worse than maybe not having the greatest education. And maybe that is why I can’t wrap my head around how her mom handled things.
That is insane to me, and I think parents should know and do better. Especially when we have experiences with trauma and know what that’s like. The worst thing in life is not the lack of education, at least until you start trying to have conversations with uneducated people. The worst thing is spending your entire life inside of your trauma (effects full-fledged) and finally getting to a place where you begin to start to heal and shed those things when you’re 30 or older. In Tina’s case, 70!
Trauma steals so much from you for so long, and instead of her mom wanting better for her, she helped create it in her life because she didn’t think those choices through with Tina’s overall well-being and mental health at the top of her priority list. Being a good little, acceptable “nigger” was her priority.
The Nasty Lessons Tiny Was Taught as a Young Girl
I know Tina has had experiences with other people; however, from what I read in her book, most of the lessons she internalized, good or bad, seemingly came from her mother. Most of ours came from our mothers. And sometimes we learn some really nasty lil lessons from our mothers. It’s the reason I can so easily spot the nasty lessons Tina learned in one way or another. Either I learned those lessons too, or I know other women who have learned those lessons.
Here are some of the negative lessons Tina learned as a child that she carried over into her adulthood:
- She has no worth unless she is serving others or giving up the things she wants
- She’s wrong for not wanting to share the things she loves and wants to keep for herself
- She’s selfish if she doesn’t neglect herself and only think about how she can benefit others
- She’ll be punished if she speaks up for herself, even if she’s telling the truth, so she m
ight as well hush - She’ll be guilt-tripped for setting boundaries, expressing how she feels, and finding issues with problematic treatment
- She should give away what she loves because others are more deserving of it, simply because they have less, and she should be grateful that she has more and not make a fuss about it
- She should stay with a man to keep the family together and not be single, regardless of his behavior
- Believe in her dreams, but don’t go after them because she’ll never make it because of the big bad world
- She’s only here to serve… not to live
ight as well hushThere are others, but these are the ones that have women in a chokehold badly. I need women to let these go because most of these aren’t true. Some of these, you will experience throughout life, but you’d rather it be more of a by-chance thing than a frequent occurrence because you are holding on to them, which creates a state of always expecting it. And when you always expect it, your experience with said things is more frequent than if you stop accepting it as a rule to or about life.
I don’t care how old you are right now; if you’re reading this, you’re old enough to start putting an end to this right now. Yes, it will take some work. Yes, it will take some time. Yes, it won’t always be easy. And yes, sometimes it may hurt a little. But you have to heal and let these lessons go! You owe it to yourself. Your overall well-being will improve. Your mental health will improve. Your self-worth will improve. Listen, you’ll be surprised at how many things will improve by dropping these lessons and healing. You’ll definitely start feeling freer!
The Skills Passed Down From Generations
Things weren’t all bad in Tina Knowles’ childhood, and all the lessons she learned weren’t bad. One of the things that I admired about her childhood (and her family) is that the family passed down skills that I feel should have been passed down in all families. Skills like sewing, cooking, and being resourceful. I just feel like with these three things, you’ll always have what you need and also turn them into money.
Tina grew up pretty much poor. Her mother was resourceful, though to a fault sometimes. They always had clothes because her mom could just make them. People who can cook are able to easily tap into growing their own foods if need be, and will be able to put together enjoyable dishes. Bartering is being resourceful and while Tina only mentions when her mom bartered for the children to attend school, I’m pretty confident saying that her mom was most likely bartering for other things, getting items and services they needed. As a matter of fact, I think we all should start bartering. I mean, the way the dollar is shrinking, we’ll probably need to do it relatively soon.
The Closeness of Their Family
Another thing I really admired while reading the book is the fact that Tina’s family was pretty close. Not just as children but also as they became adults. Everyone doesn’t have the blessing of having a close family. I think family is one of the most important things in this world, and the closer the family, the stronger the family. We need our family, especially as times shift and get weirder. I don’t agree that we should be around harmful family members just because they are family, but if you have a pretty decent family that sticks together, that is a win.
Tina Being So Loving and Caring, and Motherly To Others
Tina is a very loving and caring woman. Sometimes to a fault. Now, there is only one thing that could ever make me say something like that… and that’s when a person constantly neglects themselves to love and care for others. Her commitment to her children, especially, was beautiful to read about as a mother who also strives to support my children.
However, I learned before 60-70 how to love and care for my children in ways that still allow me to honor myself and not to betray my own boundaries. She wasn’t just loving, caring, and motherly to her own children; she was like this seemingly to everyone. I think partly because that’s who she naturally is and partly because it’s a trauma response.
Tina Over-Extended Herself All The Time
Many people don’t realize how much signs of trauma show up subtly in their everyday lives. I’m not sure if Tina even realizes that a lot of her overextending herself goes far beyond her true desire to do it. This wasn’t one of her end-of-book revelations. This is probably one of those little sneaky pop-up traumas that will show up along her journey of healing. And I know what you’re thinking… you’re thinking, “Shekenya, you think you know everything and you don’t.” I absolutely don’t. I can’t imagine how insane I’d be if I actually knew everything.
What I do know, though, is that nobody who wasn’t taught those bullet point lessons from trauma during their childhood would be doing everything they can to go support anyone, including their own children, when they’re in the hospital because they just nearly brunt off their leg. Sis had 1 and a half legs ( she described it as half of her leg was burnt off), rushing to get on a flight for someone else. That is not a natural desire, I can tell you that much.
Cheaters Usually Keep Cheating and Silly Women Keep Allowing It Like Tina Knowles Did
One very important thing women need to understand about men, if they cheat once, they’re very likely to cheat again. I don’t think Tina understood that, like many other women, don’t. She is the prime example of a woman who let her cheating man apologize his way out of the dog house and even back into her life. Seemingly, she tried to have faith that he would change for the sake of keeping the family together, but he never did.
Now, in some cases where she was ready to leave, her last straw was something else… but it was more like, “You’re making it harder on me and you’re cheating and I’ve had enough of your sh*t,” rather than, “Oh, you’re making decisions that trouble me and I’m done.” Like all of the hurt and anger from him cheating built up over time, and any lil additional thing would finally push her over the edge. But, obviously, not enough until they’ve been at it for 3 decades, and that baby came along. All those years of settling and trying and faithing and praying, and him begging and crying for her to stay and her giving him chance after chance just for that joker to have a baby on her.
The sad part is that’s what it often looks like with everyday women who keep a cheater. Only a few change after getting caught or realizing just how much they are risking after the FIRST time of cheating, but I think any woman who’s betting on their cheating man being the exception, the one that changes after the first time, is a fool because the odds are certainly not leaning in her favor.
There are too few, so I wouldn’t even bet my worst enemy’s life on it. It’ll be a waste; my worst enemy’s life would still go on if I made that type of bet on it. And one thing I don’t like is losing a bet, so count me out. That’s how few of these cheating men actually stop cheating after the first time.
Anyway, I really hope that women start honoring and caring for themselves more than idolizing men and marriage, because if we really want to be honest, that’s what it is. A marriage or a man being more important than your own well-being is idolatry.
Personally, I don’t know a time I’ve ever been cheated on, but I’ve seen what it does to women’s emotional and mental state. I see how it damages women’s self-esteem. I’ve seen the tears, the embarrassment, and the crash-outs. I’ve even seen the STDs spreading to faithful women because their men are unfaithful. Oh, and the murders that result from cheating.
I’ll never settle for a cheater. Not just because I simply don’t want anyone who isn’t all about me, but also because being with a cheating man costs too much and comes with too much risk. I’ll never put up with that. I love myself too much. One thing I learned about myself early on in dating is that no matter how much I love someone, they were never bigger to me than I am to myself. I never allowed anyone to treat me like trash or like I didn’t matter to them, no matter how broken I was or what kind of voids I was trying to fill. I’ve left men for far less than cheating.
Tina’s Work Ethic Is Insane
Tina Knowles’ work ethic was insane. Though I believe the motivation from it largely comes from trauma or voids, I still think her work ethic is admirable, but those who are inspired by it should find a different core motivation for their own.
Tina was non-stop. All she did was work and work and work. For herself and others. Oftentimes, she put her own business to the side. A big chunk of her working was when Destiny’s Child was forming and became mainstream successful. It didn’t stop there. She still worked and worked when Beyoncé went solo. Trust me, I’m a mom, so I know how important it is to support and use our skills and knowledge to help our children be successful. I get it. I’ve done it. I’ve also been working for my children and my clients more than I would work to build my own business and dreams.
But I chose myself sooner. I had learned that I could support my children and help my clients in all my excellence and greatness without neglecting my own desires and goals. I had learned how to show up in a healthy way without overcompensating for the support I didn’t have when I was a child, my own failures, or my insecurities. I had learned to still love and take care of myself while supporting others. And I had learned that in my mid-30s. It’s still relatively new, but it didn’t take me 70 years, and I’m hoping that it doesn’t take you that long either.
In no way am I shaming Tina or anyone else who realizes this later in life. It’s still a good thing. It’s just that realizing it so late in life steals so much from you. Nowadays, there is no reason why anyone should choose later when there are so many resources, books, YouTube videos, etc. that will help you get there quicker. You just have to want to, so you can receive the knowledge and work through it properly. Please don’t choose the later route.
Tina’s Willingness To Stay Single
After Tina’s second divorce, she decided that she would stay single until she got what she wanted. And you know what? HELL YEAH! She’s 70 (at the time of writing the book), and she’s still open to love, but she is taking a stand against being with someone just to not be alone.
This is what I try to tell women now. I tell women, it’s cool to desire a man, but don’t be desperate for one. Don’t be with someone just because you are scared to be alone. Don’t be in a relationship where there is no respect and honor for you. Don’t be in a relationship when what you want isn’t present. And certainly, only be in a relationship with someone who has thought about you enough to learn how you receive love and love you that way, versus trying to force you to accept love in a way they think is the best way to love you. Be okay with being single until you meet someone who can give you the relationship you actually want. Not one you have to settle for.
The crazy thing is, many women will hear me or read me say this and claim that I’m miserable, unhappy, and want women single like me. By the way, they never know if I’m in a relationship or not. Whether I am or not, in both situations, the facts will still remain: I didn’t settle, I’m not being improperly “loved,” I’m not being mistreated, and I’m in a healthy situation where peace abides. I’m all about winning at life, so a win is a win. Being in an unhealthy, under-serving relationship is a loss. We all deserve better than that.
Thank you for taking the time to read my review of Matriarch by Tina Knowles. If you haven’t read the book, grab it here. If you’re ready to have the dating and relationship experience you truly desire, book a coaching session with me or grab my downloadable workbook, Why Do I Accept Bullsh*t. If you want to improve your relationship with your children or create a safer space in YOU for them, book a session with me.
Also, let me know if you’ve read Matriarch and leave your thoughts down in the comments.